Today

Haven’t written in a while. Life feels a bit relentless right now. Working far too many hours, kids full on and pretty exhausted. My mood is levelling out though, still got issues with sleep and switching off, but definitely better than it was. I am working so hard to stay in control, but feel more motivated to do so. The quote that makes sense to me right now is:

“You can’t control the waves but you can learn to surf”

2nd November

I haven’t slept properly in days, didn’t even bother going to bed last night. I have had to come back in to the real world today even though I know that I am far too fragile.

I put a post on my facebook page last night referencing a bipolar quote. My family didn’t say anything about it, but I have a feeling there will be some backlash from it. I think they will feel embarrassed and worried not about me but of people seeing it. For anyone with mental health difficulties, please don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. We do not chose to be this way, nor does it define the people we are.

Yesterday……

Yesterday I was impeccable

Compassionate, caring and selfless

I loved with no fear

With no contraints

Yet I questioned,

If I was being too candid

too exuberant, enthusiastic

Today my mood is sombre

It is only getting darker

Dragging down all those around me

To those that I love, I burden

Creating uneasiness everywhere

I just need to escape

Break free from this nightmare

Tomorrow all I can do is hope

Hope I am still here

Hope that I can gain forgiveness

Hope that I am not alone

Hope that I have the strenghth

The strength to keep fighting

Overwhelmed

I can’t stop this feeling of being overwhelmed and exhausted. My life feels chaotic and so does my mind and I can’t find an escape from it. Everyone wants some part of me and I feel this pressure, this expectation level that I am really struggling to achieve. I almost need life to stand still for a while, because right now I am not able to keep up and I just feel like I am letting everyone down.

I am broken…

I feel broken, I am physically and emotionally drained and just want to collapse in a heap on the ground. I have given all I can in the last few weeks, but I am literally on my knees.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. I had been stressing so much about it and had built it up so much in my head. It was not nearly bad as I thought and although hard, I was able to offload and have so many questions answered.
For now I need a recharge, time away and some time off from people/work and a bit of life.

Appointment

So I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next Wednesday. I know I need to do this but I am terrified. I find it so difficult talking to professionals more so now that I have children. Before I had kids I didn’t really care what they thought about me but now I’m scared to be open in case they think I’m not fit to be a mum. If I’m not honest, I can’t get better but if I am honest I’m scared what that will mean…..

Today

For the first time in about 5 months I feel like I have finally stepped off the rollercoaster. I feel this sense of calm that I haven’t felt in so long and It feels really good. I have amazing people in my life, who have helped me get to this place and I am really glad they did.
Going forward I know I need the help and support of the professionals, it’s not a battle that you can win on your own.

Albert Einstein: ‘Learn from yesterdaylive for todayhope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.