If someone was to ask how I was, what would I say……………?
Right now, I would say, I am good thanks, how are you? Why? Because it is the easiest thing to say to make the question just go away. When people ask that question, do they ask because they genuinely care, probably not, more likely because they are performing a social courtesy, it is just what we say after saying hello!
If I was to ask myself the question, how are you, what would I say…….?
I don’t know is the honest answer. I feel like I am living this double life. On the surface I have this wonderful life, a great husband, 3 amazing children, a nice house, a job and a comfortable life. On the inside, I just feel like I don’t deserve any of it. I cannot seem to shake this feeling that, I don’t deserve to be happy and that I am selfish for living the life that I do. My thoughts right now keep drifting to what if I wasn’t here, would this be for the best? Am I being selfish for thinking it and leaving my kids or am I being selfish for not doing it?
I worry if I shared my thoughts, people would then see me differently. They would see me for my weaknesses, they would see me as damaged, that they would somehow blame themselves. I fear that I would be seen as just a label, that the things in me that they once loved would be forgotten and I would lose the trust of the people that matter most to me. If my thoughts came out, I wouldn’t be in control of how others would see me.
Not being in control is my worst nightmare but I am not a control freak. I don’t need to control a conversation or decide what we have for tea every night or insist my children wear a certain outfit. I find it hard to cope when I am not in control of myself, when I feel angry, when I feel upset, frustrated, and I don’t know why or how to deal with that. I appreciate that I cannot control the world around me, but when you struggle to control yourself in that world, that is what I find hard. I don’t always know why I feel the way that I do sometimes. I can just wake up and have that feeling of impending doom and just feel so low, but for no reason at all. That is why sometimes I do self harm and it is my way of trying to gain a bit of control back. It allows me to feel the pain that somehow my body feels and it puts me back on to a short term equilibrium. It is not a suicide attempt or a cry for help it just helps at the time. My body now looks like a road map though and now my children have started asking me about them and that just makes me feel really crappy and ashamed.
I go through moments of real clarity when everything feels right and normal and calm, and I always come back to the same conclusion. However, it is something that I hate, so I desperately try harder to be better because I don’t want to have to do what I need to do- It is a repetitive cycle.
I know I have reached this moment as I am circling, and I am not sure I trust myself to not take things too far. It is the dreaded idea of medication. I have been on so many, never stuck to any of it and thought you know what I can do it without. It is a fear that it takes a way a part of me but being me isn’t that great right now so perhaps it is a trade-off that is worth taking. I feel so incredibly tired of fighting against myself and my own mind, I need help and I know I need to somehow get brave enough to ask for it.