Lockdown

A quote I heard a while back “you can’t control the waves, but you can learn to surf”. I have bipolar which is my wave and for whatever reason over the last few months it’s as if I had forgotten that I could surf. I have been on a rollercoaster of ups and downs, there has been a lot of self destruction, self pity and moments that I am not particularly proud of. I spent years “surfing the waves”, managing my sleep patterns, keeping my emotions in check and being incredibly self-aware – then we hit lockdown!

When we first entered lockdown, I genuinely thought it would be over in a matter of weeks, never in even my worst nightmare did I think we would still be in it.
The first few weeks of lockdown were pretty full on, I felt like super mum, we did baking, art, you name it we were doing it. It was a lot of fun but it was exhausting- but my mindset was- this will be over in a couple of weeks!!

They are now saying that the kids won’t return to school until at least August, and that is when I might return to work. I haven’t seen my family in weeks and my husband is working crazy hours. I’m not sure i am coping very well with this. I feel so isolated and negative thoughts keep flooding my mind. People at work are not talking to me and I’m not being included- they must think that i am not coping- I’m just useless.

We made it through the summer and made it to August. Life is far from normal but the kids and I can at least get back to some sort of routine. They start thriving but I can’t seem to get back in to any sort of routine. I can’t sleep, my mind won’t switch off, I have a million thoughts and feelings rushing through me, some great, but some incredibly self destructive.
Work has gone mental, it’s never been so busy and i can’t seem to keep up. I’m letting everyone down at the minute, even though i know I am trying my best. Everyone seems to want me for something and I can’t cope.

I know I need help so I eventually seek it. Back on medication and told to take my time to get well. Take some time out and get back riding those waves again.
I felt guilty- everyone else can manage and i am just letting everyone down if I don’t keep going. I will be fine.

Sitting in the hospital feeling thoroughly ashamed and embarrassed. I am just so tired, I can’t think. Resign from my job because i think that it is my only choice. I completely break down and all I can do is cry.

I am now taking the time, establishing my routines again, sleeping, medication and doing all the things that I know help me to surf the waves.

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