Alone

I guess lockdown allows the world to slow down. There is no fear of missing out on anything or watching the world pass you by. I’m looking at it as a way to escape from everything and everyone and to embrace the splendid isolation.

“Sometimes, you need to be alone. Not to be lonely, but to enjoy your free time being yourself.”

Christmas

Finally made it to the holidays. It’s a great feeling. Although it is still uncertain when we will be back, I’m not going to think about that for now. I’m going to concentrate on enjoying a break and spending time with my husband and kids. It will be hard not being able to see other family, but keeping everyone safe is the most important thing, so that we can make up for it next year.
Have a great Christmas everyone, be thankful for what you have and who you have.

December

Another trip to the psychiatrist this week and it went okay. My medication has been doubled and I am feeling okay about that. He is confident that it should really make a difference and it is the first medication I have been on that hasn’t given me any side effects.

I am feeling pretty run down and tired but my sleep pattern has improved massively, I think it is more a case of catching up on all the sleep I missed.

I am cautiously optimistic that my mental health is beginning to stabilise. I haven’t cut in almost 2 weeks- It had become an almost every day occurrence. I know that the hard bit will be to not do it when I don’t feel well, but for now I’m proud of 2 weeks.

Going forward it’s all about compliance. I can’t control everything around me or every situation but I can make sure that I am doing all that I can to try and stay well.

Lockdown

A quote I heard a while back “you can’t control the waves, but you can learn to surf”. I have bipolar which is my wave and for whatever reason over the last few months it’s as if I had forgotten that I could surf. I have been on a rollercoaster of ups and downs, there has been a lot of self destruction, self pity and moments that I am not particularly proud of. I spent years “surfing the waves”, managing my sleep patterns, keeping my emotions in check and being incredibly self-aware – then we hit lockdown!

When we first entered lockdown, I genuinely thought it would be over in a matter of weeks, never in even my worst nightmare did I think we would still be in it.
The first few weeks of lockdown were pretty full on, I felt like super mum, we did baking, art, you name it we were doing it. It was a lot of fun but it was exhausting- but my mindset was- this will be over in a couple of weeks!!

They are now saying that the kids won’t return to school until at least August, and that is when I might return to work. I haven’t seen my family in weeks and my husband is working crazy hours. I’m not sure i am coping very well with this. I feel so isolated and negative thoughts keep flooding my mind. People at work are not talking to me and I’m not being included- they must think that i am not coping- I’m just useless.

We made it through the summer and made it to August. Life is far from normal but the kids and I can at least get back to some sort of routine. They start thriving but I can’t seem to get back in to any sort of routine. I can’t sleep, my mind won’t switch off, I have a million thoughts and feelings rushing through me, some great, but some incredibly self destructive.
Work has gone mental, it’s never been so busy and i can’t seem to keep up. I’m letting everyone down at the minute, even though i know I am trying my best. Everyone seems to want me for something and I can’t cope.

I know I need help so I eventually seek it. Back on medication and told to take my time to get well. Take some time out and get back riding those waves again.
I felt guilty- everyone else can manage and i am just letting everyone down if I don’t keep going. I will be fine.

Sitting in the hospital feeling thoroughly ashamed and embarrassed. I am just so tired, I can’t think. Resign from my job because i think that it is my only choice. I completely break down and all I can do is cry.

I am now taking the time, establishing my routines again, sleeping, medication and doing all the things that I know help me to surf the waves.

You will never see me fall

You may see me struggle, 
but you won’t see me fall. 
Regardless if I’m weak or not, 
I’m going to stand tall. 
Everyone says life is easy, 
but truly living it is not.
Times get hard, 
people struggle
and constantly get put on the spot. 
I’m going to wear the biggest smile, 
even though I want to cry. 
I’m going to fight to live,
even though I’m destined to die. 
And even though it’s hard 
and I may struggle through it all,
you may see me struggle…
but you will NEVER see me fall.

by Joyce Alcantara

Awake

34 hours and still awake, 8 stitches and a resignation letter written. I am just letting everyone down, my kids my family, everyone because i just can’t be who I need to be. I’m so tired but I just won’t switch off

FOLED

I don’t suffer with FOMO, I suffer from FOLED – fear of letting everyone down. I never want to define myself by my Bipolar label, and I never want to use it as an excuse for not doing something. I have always said that I don’t care what people think of me but I know deep down I must because I’m scared that people will use my label against me. In a work sense I do way more than my hours because I feel I have to prove myself that little bit more. Even when the doctor signed me off, I couldn’t not work. It’s the same out of work. It’s not a control thing or the fear of missing it out, I just don’t want people to think badly of me and I don’t want to let people down.

I keep saying I feel exhausted and that the world feels relentless. I want to take a step back and have a rest, feel like I can switch off but I am scared what people will think and I’m scared going forward that somehow they will think I am no good. That’s why I just carry on………

Are you Okay?

I have just read the article written by Meghan Markle, and it is actually really good. Although written under sad circumstances, she makes a lot of good points and highlights the importance of asking others if they are OKAY.

These are strange times, we don’t have much in the way of physical contact, we cannot give someone a hug, or let them cry on our shoulders, but our kinds words can have a huge impact. When we ask if someone is okay, take the time to listen, don’t just say it in the passing, afford them that time to give a proper answer. Lets look out for each other, support each other, and know it is okay to not be okay.

“Keep being kind. Keep trying. Keep listening. Keep loving, because sometimes the smallest of ripples, together can make a wave”.

Today

Haven’t written in a while. Life feels a bit relentless right now. Working far too many hours, kids full on and pretty exhausted. My mood is levelling out though, still got issues with sleep and switching off, but definitely better than it was. I am working so hard to stay in control, but feel more motivated to do so. The quote that makes sense to me right now is:

“You can’t control the waves but you can learn to surf”