I haven’t slept properly in days, didn’t even bother going to bed last night. I have had to come back in to the real world today even though I know that I am far too fragile.
I put a post on my facebook page last night referencing a bipolar quote. My family didn’t say anything about it, but I have a feeling there will be some backlash from it. I think they will feel embarrassed and worried not about me but of people seeing it. For anyone with mental health difficulties, please don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. We do not chose to be this way, nor does it define the people we are.
Yesterday I was impeccable
Compassionate, caring and selfless
I loved with no fear
With no contraints
Yet I questioned,
If I was being too candid
too exuberant, enthusiastic
Today my mood is sombre
It is only getting darker
Dragging down all those around me
To those that I love, I burden
Creating uneasiness everywhere
I just need to escape
Break free from this nightmare
Tomorrow all I can do is hope
Hope I am still here
Hope that I can gain forgiveness
Hope that I am not alone
Hope that I have the strenghth
The strength to keep fighting
I tried to keep going but I fell, and I shattered in to tiny little pieces. I feel mentally and physically exhausted and I need time to put myself back together. I have nothing to give, and I am so sorry to everyone that I am letting down right now.
I feel like the chaos in my mind has already returned. Even though I am aware, I feel powerless to stop it.
I can’t stop this feeling of being overwhelmed and exhausted. My life feels chaotic and so does my mind and I can’t find an escape from it. Everyone wants some part of me and I feel this pressure, this expectation level that I am really struggling to achieve. I almost need life to stand still for a while, because right now I am not able to keep up and I just feel like I am letting everyone down.
I feel broken, I am physically and emotionally drained and just want to collapse in a heap on the ground. I have given all I can in the last few weeks, but I am literally on my knees.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. I had been stressing so much about it and had built it up so much in my head. It was not nearly bad as I thought and although hard, I was able to offload and have so many questions answered.
For now I need a recharge, time away and some time off from people/work and a bit of life.
So I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next Wednesday. I know I need to do this but I am terrified. I find it so difficult talking to professionals more so now that I have children. Before I had kids I didn’t really care what they thought about me but now I’m scared to be open in case they think I’m not fit to be a mum. If I’m not honest, I can’t get better but if I am honest I’m scared what that will mean…..
For the first time in about 5 months I feel like I have finally stepped off the rollercoaster. I feel this sense of calm that I haven’t felt in so long and It feels really good. I have amazing people in my life, who have helped me get to this place and I am really glad they did.
Going forward I know I need the help and support of the professionals, it’s not a battle that you can win on your own.
Albert Einstein: ‘Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.
I have read a few articles and posts online where people have said that they are addicted to self harming. Considering how hard it is to resist hurting yourself when triggered, it is not surprising to hear this word. However is “addiction” the right term to use?
“Addiction is a psychological and physical inability to stop consuming a chemical, drug, activity, or substance, even though it is causing psychological and physical harm”.
The very definition draws up some interesting debates, physical v psychological addictions.
A physical addiction is not controllable. A person who is denied a substance to which they are physically addicted will not have control over their bodies reactions.
Psychological addiction on the other hand is controllable. Gambling or self harm is a behaviour therefore many will argue that however hard these feelings are, they can be managed and controlled.
I am someone who self harms but I have never viewed it as an addiction. The word addiction for me doesn’t sit comfortably because it suggests that I am not in control of my actions. I self harm because of a need to gain control so to say I am addicted would contradict this. I would use the word reliant to define my relationship with self harm. It is my coping mechanism, but it is also a choice that I make and that I am responsible for. Again I feel the word addiction negates that level of responsibility. When I am in crisis, it doesn’t always feel like I have a choice but I do, and on good days I do realise that I need to learn to make better choices.
I am not going to say that someone who says they are addicted to self harm is wrong, but for me I don’t feel it is the right term to use.
I am not feeling very proud of myself. It was a night/day where i couldn’t manage, i let my anxieties get the better of me and i couldn’t cope. I tried everything i could to distract myself, long walks, loud music, trying to focus on work but nothing worked and i gave in to the voice in my head. I was scared to talk today, i thought if i did, someone would take me or my box away and i couldn’t have dealt with that.