I am at the point now where i know i cannot manage this on my own. I need help and a rest from this constant battle. I am proud of myself for coming to this realisation, before things get worse. I have always hated the thought of being defined by a label, but now i think i just want and desperately need a clear diagnosis to help me understand me a little bit more. I was given the diagnosis of Cyclothymia, and then had that “upgraded” to Bipolar 2, but i didn’t ever feel comfortable with that. I accepted it at the time, took the medications they prescribed until i decided i didn’t need them, then realised i did, tried something different and then just gave up on the idea and thought i can do this myself. I took on the mind over matter approach and became so self aware, worked really hard on routines and structures and positive thinking and for 5 years it kind of worked. For whatever reason the past 18 months have just been an almighty battle. During the last 4-5 months i have just felt like i cannot do this any more and that i want out. The fluctuations in my mood are flip flopping so quickly. I feel so fragile and vulnerable because i don’t know what is happening to me.
When i am feeling rubbish i long to feel normal, however what is normal? Is my definition of normal the same as the next persons? Is normal being fully functional, is normal being happy, or is normal just not feeling like shit? There are times when i experience all 3 and still wouldn’t define myself as feeling normal. I can be fully functional, happy as can be and ready to take on the world. I feel so self assured, confident in my ability and have the most amazing of ideas. It is a wonderful feeling and a side of me i think people much prefer. I seem so in control of myself and way more outgoing and sociable than i know i truly am.
It is however far from being in control. Although i become highly functioning, my mind starts going way faster than i can handle and things start to become overwhelming and its like falling and not knowing how you are going to land. The world around me seems really slow, and i know i start to get irritable and frustrated with people because they are not working to my pace. The nights that i have hardly slept because i cannot turn myself off, they begin to catch up and i soon become exhausted and just want to escape the world.
So what is normal….? To me it is calm, when the world goes at a pace where you can keep up. Normal is not boring or dull, it gives you the time and opportunity to appreciate the little things and we should never take normal for granted.
If someone was to ask how I was, what would I say……………?
Right now, I would say, I am good thanks, how are you? Why? Because it is the easiest thing to say to make the question just go away. When people ask that question, do they ask because they genuinely care, probably not, more likely because they are performing a social courtesy, it is just what we say after saying hello!
If I was to ask myself the question, how are you, what would I say…….?
I don’t know is the honest answer. I feel like I am living this double life. On the surface I have this wonderful life, a great husband, 3 amazing children, a nice house, a job and a comfortable life. On the inside, I just feel like I don’t deserve any of it. I cannot seem to shake this feeling that, I don’t deserve to be happy and that I am selfish for living the life that I do. My thoughts right now keep drifting to what if I wasn’t here, would this be for the best? Am I being selfish for thinking it and leaving my kids or am I being selfish for not doing it?
I worry if I shared my thoughts, people would then see me differently. They would see me for my weaknesses, they would see me as damaged, that they would somehow blame themselves. I fear that I would be seen as just a label, that the things in me that they once loved would be forgotten and I would lose the trust of the people that matter most to me. If my thoughts came out, I wouldn’t be in control of how others would see me.
Not being in control is my worst nightmare but I am not a control freak. I don’t need to control a conversation or decide what we have for tea every night or insist my children wear a certain outfit. I find it hard to cope when I am not in control of myself, when I feel angry, when I feel upset, frustrated, and I don’t know why or how to deal with that. I appreciate that I cannot control the world around me, but when you struggle to control yourself in that world, that is what I find hard. I don’t always know why I feel the way that I do sometimes. I can just wake up and have that feeling of impending doom and just feel so low, but for no reason at all. That is why sometimes I do self harm and it is my way of trying to gain a bit of control back. It allows me to feel the pain that somehow my body feels and it puts me back on to a short term equilibrium. It is not a suicide attempt or a cry for help it just helps at the time. My body now looks like a road map though and now my children have started asking me about them and that just makes me feel really crappy and ashamed.
I go through moments of real clarity when everything feels right and normal and calm, and I always come back to the same conclusion. However, it is something that I hate, so I desperately try harder to be better because I don’t want to have to do what I need to do- It is a repetitive cycle.
I know I have reached this moment as I am circling, and I am not sure I trust myself to not take things too far. It is the dreaded idea of medication. I have been on so many, never stuck to any of it and thought you know what I can do it without. It is a fear that it takes a way a part of me but being me isn’t that great right now so perhaps it is a trade-off that is worth taking. I feel so incredibly tired of fighting against myself and my own mind, I need help and I know I need to somehow get brave enough to ask for it.
I have never been a talker so this is my space to empty my mind of the normal and the craziness!!
Talking in real life can be so hard, and i am rubbish at it. I never know what to say or how, but being able to write how you feel can somehow free up your mind a little bit.